he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
There's always time for handjobs
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Randomize
