North Korea, Best Korea!
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.