My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
17 Women That Lost Condoms Up Their Lady Parts
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
23 People Confess The Most F*cked Up Thing Guests Have Done In Their House
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence