Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
another moral hangover. fuck.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
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