Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.