Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
