I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
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You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
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One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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