You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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