I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
