So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
