I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
