Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
