You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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