Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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