dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Having a random hookup so left but love u
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
