my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
