happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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