gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
