he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Randomize
