I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
