I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
