I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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