my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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