if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
