I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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