And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
