I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
