K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
