so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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