alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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