$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
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