That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
