I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
