The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
