I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize