So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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