you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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