The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
she smelled like a LAN party
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
