My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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