i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
