standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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