Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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