Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
