well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
FUCK WHALES
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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