This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
