the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
