Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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