I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I think my moral compass just broke
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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