I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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