Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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