I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
