I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
