She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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