he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
