I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
