this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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