a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
