I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
