did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
