Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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