I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I party with great urgency now.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
