there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
