Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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