Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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