hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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